The pub’s large garden was busy, so that was a good sign, surely? First mistake – quantity doesn’t equal quality. Second mistake was not to turn on my heels the moment the landlord lifted a perfunctory eyebrow instead of asking me what I'd like to order, as any civilised publican would. This is a service business, mate. If you can’t even pretend to be pleased to see me, you’re in the wrong job. Third mistake was to order food. The Harvey’s bitter was fine and I should have gulped my half and left instead of waiting an hour – an hour! – for my son’s medium rib-eye steak with salad and my cod and chips. The steak was over-cooked, tough and little bigger than a beer coaster. The less said about his drab leaves strewn on the plate the better. My chips had the texture of deep-fried wood pulp, while the battered fish was squashed and dry and looked as if someone had sat on it. At least the woman apologised for the delay when finally she arrived at our garden table with the food, though it didn’t seem to be part of her job to bring us cutlery as well. Cars slowed as we chewed morosely through our lunch. I wanted to signal to them: don't stop - just because it’s busy doesn’t mean it’s any good.
The Swan at the Vineyard, Lamberhurst Down, 01892 890171
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